Every once in a while I hear a news story covering some obscure church in nowheresville that decided it would be wise to start handling poisonous snakes in their regular service. One member gets nailed by a rattlesnake and, to the shock and amazement of the congregation....that faithful member drops dead. After thinking over the subject and laughing at all things I think God would say to such an imbecile at the pearly gates, I have come to a few conclusions as to to why I think it would be a healthy experience if we all handled a few snakes on Sunday mornings.
Snakes Need Love Too
Ever since the whole 'garden' incident, snakes have had a bad rap. It really wasn't their fault that Satan was in the form of a serpent. Talk about profiling! We are holding on to an undeserved reputation that has befallen snakes since the dawn of Man. What if Satan was in the form of a kitten in the garden of Eden? Would we still render such hatred toward a kitten for something that happened over ten thousand years ago? Kittens are evil creatures, but we love them! Why not snakes.
Allowing our serpent friends in our church services with make up for generations of profiling and hatred. They will view our kind gesture as a sign of respect and admiration. They will know that we, as loving Christians, can put aside our own misgivings and really look for a long term solution.
Snake Handling Is Not Only Fun, It's Cool!
We've all seen those snake-handlers on T.V. They command a great deal of respect from there peers. I think if the pastor whipped out an anaconda or a poisonous green asp in the middle of his sermon, he would get some serious respect from his congregation. All those regular attendees that fall asleep mid service would suddenly be wide awake and mystified at how awesome church suddenly became. All those church skipping football fans would line up in the sanctuary isles rather then that seedy sports bar. Bets would change from how many touchdowns were thrown in 3rd quarter to haw many poison injections the pastor can handle before passing out behind the podium.
Think about how many unsaved people we would reach. They would come in droves. Bring em' in for the entertainment valve and preach the good old fire and brimstone message to get em' to the alters. It would be a whole new style of evangelism!
Forget Calvinism, Just Use Snakes
The Apostle Paul got nailed by a poisonous snake and survived. The Bible also says that we will trample on scorpions and get bit by snakes, while remaining un-injured. What we can deduce from the miracle in the Book of Acts and other like scriptures, is that true Christians will not be harmed by venom. That being said, have you ever felt in your heart that someone you knew just didn't seem saved? Well, This is the perfect litmus test! If he (or she) gets bit by a highly poisonous snake and remains unharmed you can rejoice. If they drop dead in the aisle, well....it was never meant to be. At least, there won't be any more phonies in church.
Now, in order for membership at your local church, you will need to complete courses 101, 202, 303 and spend some quality time with a rattlesnake. It all makes perfect sense. A mandatory snake bite to see who the faithful ones among us really are!
I'm working on a petition
Snake Handlers Unite
Why Every Church Needs A Few Snakes
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