It wasn't long after that experience that I really started having severe doubts about my faith. The worst of which, revolved around the dreaded question; was I really saved? I just couldn't stop replaying everyone falling down and having some kind of experience with God while I didn't. It really gave me the impression that I was lacking something in my relationship with God. Something essential. Despite these nagging concerns, I decided to keep them to my self.
The next day really didn't help. If I had to hear one more story of how someone was dramatically impacted by God, I was dramatically going to the gun store. It was everywhere. The doubts that lingered in the back of mind started to become obvious. Thoughts of inadequacies and failure were all I could think about. I actually started to think that not only was not right with God but that it was impossible for me to BE right with him. For some reason or another, I was ineligible. These thoughts gave me a strong sense of hopelessness and the pain I felt inside was difficult to hide.
It was not until some weeks later that God began to deal with my life. Looking back I can clearly see what was going on, but at the time, I was clueless. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. You see, what happened at the alter was all the devil needed to destroy me. I already had a slight insecurity with my faith and He knew it. It didn't take long before the Devil was playing my life like a harmonica. If it wasn't for God's intervention, I do not know what could have resulted.
The weird part about what happened to me was that it was happening to other people as well. Some of my friends and members of the church who were at those meetings were struggling in much the same way as I did. Some were actually falling completely away and leaving the church. Others were overtaken by sin. The things that I saw over the next few weeks actually blew me away. I remember thinking to myself, " just what the heck is going on here?" Revival meetings were supposed to bring hope and excitement to the believer. The church was supposed to grow and flourish. But the opposite was happening. People left there faith one by one and walked away. Some to their own spiritual demise, others to different churches. Regardless, no one was staying
The leadership of the Church definitely saw a problem. Sunday services looked like a bunch of battle weary soldiers tired of the very life they clung too. And that's just with those that would show up. Some stood up and called it God's testing time for the truly faithful and demanded that we all stick it through. I wasn't that dumb. I knew God doesn't test us by forcing others out. He doesn't ruin other peoples lives and make them leave the church just to see if there is anyone faithful. If anything, He'll ruin your life and see how you make out. No, something sinister was going on and it definitely wasn't revival.
When it comes to,my life, I know exactly what happened. The devil was able to capitalize upon my weakness, while I was on the floor of that alter. He knew what needed to be done and in what capacity. If he could isolate me from other believers and make me think that I wasn't saved, then he had me in my most vulnerable condition. But when it comes to the church, I'm not so sure what happened. If those meetings were real, then how come the devil was able to destroy so many? If God was there in his power, then how did the devil do anything, either in my life or anyone else's? I will confess, at this time, that I actually do not have the answers. In fact, the whole purpose of this article is not answer a question, but to ask.
Did all those hundreds of people at the alter just succumb to their own emotions? Did we play the fools? I really cant say for sure. All I can do, as a believer, seeking for truth, is look for the fruit that resulted. Considering the spiritual devastation that ensued, it is easy to gather that God wasn't in those meetings. But hey, you may read this and have an entirely different explanation of what happened and that's o.k. Even after all these years I don't have any concrete answers. I just know that when somebody is pushing people over at the alter, it doesn't mean that God is doing it. It could very well be just some putz preacher on a power trip. Or hyped emotions. Regardless, It is always good to test the authenticity of what your seeing and guard yourself against the possible work of the enemy.
